Greetings from Orlando, Florida.

My Christmas yesterday was a little gloomy. The weather was rainy and grey... I wanted a good Christmas dinner but instead got more takeout. I've been craving good old-fashioned handmade dinners (well, food) for awhile because I've been living on college food/fast food for 4 months now...

Anyway, yesterday my family and I went to Downtown Disney because nothing else is open, of course... well of course, everyone in Orlando happened to be there! Even though it was Christmas Day, I still saw no sales. Man that place is really fun to window shop, but they never have any sales... :( Hahaha. I did go to the Virgin Megastore though and spend $4 on coffee. Yeah, I know it's the Starbucks thing: spending wayyy too much money on a cup of coffee, but I guess I didn't grow up with the spending $0.25/cup of coffee... hahaha so to me, $3-$4 is the norm? That's kind of scary, actually.

Anyway. Everything that I remembered about Downtown Disney is the same. The decor, the atmosphere, the Rainforest Cafe (ah, yes, all the animals) ... I just wish that I could bring about the urge to spend money over there on merchandise but... well, I don't really need a lot of the stuff, and the stuff that I do like/need (CLOTHING) is sooo expensive. :( Alas, Orlando, why must you cost so much?

So my family's been spending about $30-$40 per meal in Orlando, which is typical. Something tells me that we need to start cooking more! It'll definitely be a lot cheaper, and I DO miss home-cooked food! Who knows how many grams (KILOGRAMS!!) of trans fat I have consumed these past 4 months.

TODAY, my family and I went to the Florida Mall. Once again, all of Orlando (and more) was there. I saw a cute (and I usually don't say this of many articles of clothing) striped sweater at bebe but unfortunately it was $75. Uh, I can't afford that kind of money on clothing (funny that I'm going to a private institution that's costing my family like 40k/year). And also, no matter how many times I walk into an A&F or an AE, I can't seem to buy anything. I used to claim that I love AE (American Eagle) but in reality, I haven't bought anything from that store in over 2 years. The prices never seem to go low enough for me :o) $10 and under is usually my limit (sad, but true) especially for shirts (maybe $15-$20 for pants but only if the material is good). Well well that limits my options, does it not? ^_^

I'm going to go chill in the lobby some more.

I thought once I came back home to Georgia, I would be stress free...I mean school's over for the semester! But now... As I'm about to go to bed, I still feel really troubled. And I hate sleeping with a heavy mind but I've been doing that all semester (if I get any sleep at all).

Lately I've been having trouble sleeping (... again! I thought I got this issue resolved) and so I had to go back to my melatonin pills. Hated it but then the alternative would be to lie awake until 6am.

I talked to one of my good friends about life issues the other day...haven't really talked to her in awhile and missed her chats... just got me thinking about what the hell do I really want in life, and if I should do things for myself, not just performing actions based on what others say/think/expect of me. Is that what I've been doing my entire life? Not thinking for myself? Just going on blindly?

I've definitely been questioning a lot of things in life lately. As I grow older, I should be gradually starting to learn how to make decisions for myself. I don't know why I find this everyday task so hard to do, but I realize now that... wow, I really don't decide a lot of things for myself but am often pushed around by what others (especially... FAMILY) say. But then I ask myself, "Dani, what do you want?" And a lot of times, I can't answer...

Oh, why am I so complex? Why can't certain things for me just be a yes/no type thing like it should be as I just sit back and just weigh out the options until the end of time?

I guess I just wanted everything to be figured out. Right. Now. But then she told me, "You're 19, you don't have to have things figured out entirely right now."

I hate how I can't sleep when I go through moods like this (which is often). I hate how a lot of nights I lie there, thinking too much and just being tormented...

Hey.

I'm alive, but not that well.

I'm also a year older - I'm 19 now and one more year closer to saying goodbye to my teenage years.

I got a C in a class. Holy crap. CMU kicks my ass in every single way. I hope my other grades are all B's (with 1-2 A's).

I've changed a lot. I've learned a lot. I wish I did a better job of documenting my changes on Blogger. Alas. My real journal is a better indicator of that, though.

Anyway it's late, I should go to bed. I have an exam Tuesday afternoon, then it's back to Georgia for me on Wednesday. I'm sad that this semester passed by so quickly. It feels like time is slipping away from my hands.