I am so sorry. I am alive, I really am.

And the past month I just got an epiphany: that I love him. I love him so much.

I think I'm depressed again...

I'm actually pretty happy right now.

I got a 60 on my Great Theoretical Ideas of CS test. The average was a 62. I did MUCH better than I thought I did. Thought I got a 30...I think I have a B now. That's really sad that a 60... a 60 BROUGHT UP MY GRADE. I need to do better.

People say it is a lot easier after 251. I really really hope so.

I also got an A on my English paper. We only have 3 papers in this class, so I am 1/3 done. I better get A's on my other papers. Otherwise I have like, no shot of an A in the class. It's an awesome class. Everyone who goes to CMU, take Shakespeare in the Spring with Professor Witmore!

I also got a 100 on my Programming lab... first 100 in awhile.

I also got a pretty decent room for next year along with quirky but cool roommate! My room is REALLY big with HIGH ceilings and BRIGHT atmosphere. I'm content with it, with what I could get.

I'm on a roll. But you know something's gonna happen eventually that will bring my world crashing to a halt. CMU tends to do that to you: give you a lot of good things then WABAM have the sky fall on you.

ICB was too fun.

I met David L and Tim H, and I got closer with Natalie, who, by the way, is my FRIEND NOW. A funny incident happened in the ladies' room... she was complaining about how dryers don't work very well, and I said, "Yes, that's why you dry them on a friend" and she proceeded to dry her hands on me...

"...A friend that's not me!" -Dani

^_^

I am doing Pennsylvania Intercollegiate Band, and although the music is actually pretty challenging and I have no idea what I'm doing, and I'm amongst mostly music majors, I'm still having a good time.

Mr. Gerlach (my director from CMU) is an absolute dear. He's so funny!

I've met some cool people from CMU today that also went on the trip... good times. Two of them came to chill in my SINGLE HOTEL ROOM! I said I wanted a single bed, not necessarily a single room, but I got the single room, which is very nice. What is also funny is that last time I went on a overnight band trip (All-State), I got the single room, too, but only because I was the only girl on the trip.

I am glad Natalie came on this trip. I got to know her a little better this time. She's quite dry and sarcastic and witty, which is awesome.

More later. I should go to bed soon...

OHHHHHH.

Dani has jealousy issues. Dani has friendship issues.

This situation is not unique. I've had this happen before, and each time, I did not deal with it at all. Am I destined to repeat the same mistakes over and over again?

Whoa, whoa, Dani. Dani.

This is stupid of you.

Stop killing yourself over a guy. Especially when there's probably nothing wrong, and it's all in your head.

Stop this, stop this, stop this.

Hello,

So it has been awhile since I posted any of significance here.

School has been dominating my life, and lately the feeling of despair is drowning me.

I cannot seem to cope very well with stress. The things that I do to cope with stress: exercising, chatting with friends, sleeping, eating random delicacies, talking on the phone, reading the newspaper, writing in my journal... they all help but sometimes the stress is just so overwhelming that anything I do doesn't help.

Carnegie Mellon University's stress levels are, well, pretty high, especially if you are in the School of Computer Science where they have super annoying classes like Great Theoretical Ideas of CS that take up 20+ hours of your life in terms of homework. Sigh. Everyone is struggling too, but I feel like I'm struggling more than usual.

I scheduled an appointment with a counselor. Hopefully this helps.

I feel clueless.

Carnegie Mellon University CS Department is very good at making you feel absolutely dumb. Like everything you ever learned does not apply to any of the classes.

Well, it's still one HUUUUGE learning process for me in any of my CS courses. I think that's why I'm having sooo much difficulty with this. If I were in classes with people like me: have not had much exposure to this, I would feel a lot more comfortable.

But no, I'm in classrooms with geniuses.

And it makes me feel like a total, complete idiot.